I feel cold and disconnected from my self.
update;
I created emotion to be a place where I can personally share my feelings, story and thoughts as well as others too, Completely free of judgment. a space where it inspires others to believe and say something, to show those struggling they are not alone and it's okay not to be okay.
Today's blog is an update on my mental state.
for months now it feels as though my soul has been sucked out of me. I feel cold and disconnected from my self. This feeling, like a haunting, following me from the inside trying to drive me out. it's succeeded because I feel as though I'm not in control like as if I am on the outside looking on as my body makes decisions, while I'm fighting to push back in to take back the control...
it feels like a loosing battle...
I never seem to feel with it these days, I am so far away from myself. I used to think I was learning and understanding myself better, thinking I was on the right path, like I knew who I was. I couldn't have been more wrong. You will never truly understand yourself... if you did life would be very boring.
I feel as though at times I don't know who I am at all. I look in the mirror and I don't recognise the person looking back at me. it's not a matter of my looks have changed over the Years it's more of the fact that I, as I said, feel so disconnected. this person looking back at me is lost, soulless... just a body wondering the earth with no control, being watched from the outside...
I don't really know how else to explain it.
there's times where I know I am In control, like right now writing this and when I have ideas, and drive to go do some photography or make a film. these times feel very limited these days. when I am back in 'control' I feel small and strange in my own skin after feeling so disconnected it feels like it's not my body.
what makes all this worse is not sleeping at night. I lay eyes closed mind blank, it's like as if I'm in limbo. I can't seem to drift off, then I end up feeling so drained as a result. I already feel so drained mentally because of fighting myself and then adding physically drained into the mix adds a weight that I can't seem to shake.
Fuck what anyone says!!! If that’s your escape then you do it, and you do it for you! Never mind anyone else or anyone else’s opinion because if we all lived off what other people say and do then this world would be very upside down. Do whatever is your escape and don’t let anyone bring you down for it, if someone’s trying to bring you down that only means you’re above them so you do you and screw them
this is all so surreal I know, and I don't expect anyone to understand.
I used to use photography as a form of self expression to symbolise the pain and separation I feel from myself, or to show the 'other side' of me. but I received some criticism and This really took a toll on me mentally. With someone telling me that my form of self expression and self therapy is harmful and dangerous to share with others, crushed me mad me feel I shouldn't be doing this.the last thing I want is anyone feeling harmed or hurting their self as a result of my work. so I never touched my camera again.
I don't know what started me feeling so disconnected, but then again I never do.
I do feel this criticism maybe the trigger... with my camera I feel whole, I feel me, there is no battle, and everything goes away. to have that stripped away and criticised, it had such a huge impact on me mentally that 5 months down the line and still has it's effect.
however in the last few days this has all changed... I'm by no means out of this rut, this darkness still lingers as I fear it will for the rest of my life, but part of me has changed I feel a sort of new lease of life, as though a breathe of fresh air has been blown into my lungs. all thanks to a close friend and the words she said after I told her how I was feeling;
'Fuck what anyone says!!! If that’s your escape then you do it, and you do it for you! Never mind anyone else or anyone else’s opinion because if we all lived off what other people say and do then this world would be very upside down. Do whatever is your escape and don’t let anyone bring you down for it, if someone’s trying to bring you down that only means you’re above them so you do you and screw them'
these words may just seem like words on a screen but they had such a huge impact on me. They were exactly what I needed and they completely changed my mind set, so much so that I dusted off my camera and went out.
here's a few of the results...
it's amazing just how little it can take to transform your mind. I a by no means better and I still have a long road ahead of me but I've taken that first step without two steps back for the first time in a long while. I've got that power of self expression back and I can take more steps now. I feel some weight has been lifted.
The world is always going to judge, I think that is human nature. once we accept that and look past the criticism and judgements, we can become unstoppable. Not everyone will like what you do but there will always be some that do.
A huge fault of mine is I tend to be a very negative person. I've always been judged and put down and I would always listen and I still do but my problem is that I don't listen to the good. I ignore the wrong side of the conversation. I think this will be my next step forward in self reflection and to become more connected to myself. positivity is key and it's something I need to change my mind set to focus more on. It's been a burden on my life.
phoenix