I left the house, no goodbye, with the full intention to end my life.
Friday 3rd January 2020 was the hardest day of my life so far and I'm lucky to be here today.
I attempted suicide. I hit rock bottom, every little thing had built up and up and my world went dark. I left the house, no goodbye, with the full intention to end my life.
I went out brought a couple of boxes of painkillers and some alcohol and took the lot... After a couple of hours of being out, I came back home, grabbed another box and some more drink and took another load. Then it all started to take affect.
The room was spinning, I felt sick, I was having hot and cold flushes, panic attacks, I couldn't sit still. I went downstairs I told mum and said to her, phone an ambulance. That hour waiting for an ambulance felt like as long as the last decade, it felt a lifetime. I was so scared I was going to die, I could feel myself drifting in and out of consciousness. I sat on the bathroom floor head down the toilet throwing up, shaking, sweating still panicking.
The ambulance still not arrived, I was making peace in my head with the idea if dying.
The ambulance crew arrived, instantly said they need to take me in.... We arrive at Shrewsbury hospital at around 11:30 pm.... I'm put in a corridor and the realisation of how bad our hospitals are became apparent as I was one of 10 beds lining the corridor. Eventually I was seen to, had a catheter shoved in my hand...
I was still being sick, slowly filling the bag the ambulance crew gave to me. Next thing I know, I was put into room 5 in a&e. Bloods were taken which resulted in me filling not one, not 2 but 3 bowls with sick... I can't stand blood...
It was early hours of the next morning, around 5am, and my results came back. Fighting to stay awake as I was terrified of falling asleep and not waking up, the results came back clear, higher than normal as to be expected, but safe enough I didn't need any further treatment injected into my system. My liver was going to be okay. This was relief of course because I was now coming more around and waking up to the reality of what I had done.
Things could have been a lot worse, one more box... if I finished that last bottle... and I very well might not be recording this message.
The harsh reality is I need help... I'm not okay and I haven't been for a long time now. I've been hiding it and lying to myself and those closest to me and my friends about how I am. I thought that I've I lied enough about it I'd eventually convenience myself that things are improving I am okay. I've been wearing a social mask because it's easier to mask your problems and lie rather than to confront yourself face to face and accept defeat to your own mind. Evidently it didn't work and it's got to such a point now that we are here today. I'm waiting to get help and take the next step forward on a long road of recovery.
It's okay to ask for help and I wish I'd learnt that sooner but if anything this has been a huge wake up call. This isn't a cry for attention but a documentation, the diary of my journey, my road to a better self, and using this experience to inspire people to BELIEVE AND SAY SOMETHING, because nobody should ever be in the situation I was in, nobody should ever feel that low.
